DanThornton

Tech, Geekery, Pop Culture, Miscellaneous

Imposter Syndrome Can Be Really Weird

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I’ve got some upcoming projects which will involve recording live streams and videos. And it’s immediately made me feel a little nervous about my presenting abilities, and the potential for it to all go wrong. Sometimes, imposter syndrome can be really weird in the way it crops up, and it’s noticeably different to nerves before doing something new or challenging.

I’m a writer and SEO who generally enjoys working behind the scenes. I don’t consider myself photogenic, and hate hearing the sound of my own voice. Having worked alongside TV and radio celebrities, I’ve seen how they ‘switch on’ when they’re on camera, or the mics are live. It’s completely outside my comfort zone, and obviously doomed to failure. I should let other people do it, or just give up on the idea if I can’t find anyone.

Except…

Imposter Syndrome can be really weird - Presenting the MCN Daily news show in 2007
Imposter Syndrome can be really weird, even when you’ve got previous experience

16 years ago, I ended up presenting a daily news show on Youtube for MCN, because we wanted to try it and no-one else was willing to volunteer. It was probably a bit early for an online daily video series in a niche area, and didn’t lead to a glamorous TV career, but the figures were OK for the time. And while I don’t think I was brilliant, I did improve over time – and no-one complained.

9 years ago, I had a very small, non-speaking part in a British indie film. And the actual cast included actors from Bond films, Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, and a future Ted Lasso icon, among others.

Around 25 years ago, I’d host a university radio show for two hours each week. Not only did I overcome shyness, but also memorably an incident where I locked myself out of the studio on air after nipping out for a cigarette.

I’ve presented to small groups and large audiences at a variety of events, appeared on webcasts, and dabbled a bit in live streaming in the past. A fair bit of my sim racing has been broadcast online, and even featured on Men and Motors many years ago.

No-one has said anything particularly negative about any of it. Even the professionals have only ever offered constructive advice. I’ve also witnessed various people working on their craft as speakers and presenters, including some very close friends, and how they quickly evolved their skills.

And if it’s terrible, then by definition, no-one will ever see it.

Documenting past accomplishments is one of the recommended ways to tackle imposter syndrome, along with embracing your fears and moving forwards. Which is exactly what I’ll be doing.

Crawling out from under an email avalanche

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I’ve experienced some poor health recently which prevented me from working as much as normal, and even having a few full days away from computer and mobile screens. And while I’m now recovering and slowly crawling out from under an email avalanche, it’s made me reconsider a few things.

Crawling out from under an email avalanche: Photo by Yannik Mika on Unsplash
Crawling out from under an email avalanche: Photo by Yannik Mika on Unsplash

The first is that I’ve always been an information junkie. In the ‘old days’ when I discovered a hobby, I’d want to read every magazine available, whether that led to a pile of guitar magazines, or White Dwarf when I discovered Warhammer. And I’ve held onto many of them, despite very few actually being useful in the years since. Alongside a constantly expanding library of books.

In the modern world, that meant spending a lot of time reading blogs, newsletters, and social media. In the past, it would often spark a blog post, article, work project or an idea for the future. But at some point, I started reading much more than actually doing.

The replacement of Twitter by an increasingly useless propaganda machine, and the influx of AI generated posts and replies elsewhere has helped me cut down on social media, whether I wanted to or not. But the stress of seeing my email inboxes overflowing with often generic or irrelevant emails has made me realise I need to perform a similar cull on my subscriptions. The FOMO if I don’t see something, particularly when I’ve worked as a news journalist, has been slowly replaced by the knowledge I’m getting older, time is finite, and my collection of stuff ‘to look at when I have some spare time’ is covered in virtual dust and cobwebs.

In just a week or two, my email accounts can collect hundreds, or even thousands, of emails. And a very small percentage were from clients, or actually contained anything that was entertaining, useful, or actionable.

So it’s time to cull anything I’m not actually getting some value from.

The second is that my stress and frustration at not being able to work was eased by having some great and understanding clients. But not being able to actually create anything for either paid projects or my own sidelines soon became a massive issue.

Despite the best efforts of Generative AI, Google, and other factors, writing and working on new ideas and projects is what brings me joy. Whether that’s blogging here, creating a long and detailed guide for a client, or getting back to contributing to Peterborough STEM Festival.

I’m not the only person wondering how the rise of Gen AI will impact mental health for humanity. Whether that’s AI chatbots, or in my case, finding it harder to justify taking the time to craft something from scratch and reach an audience when it will probably get buried by plagiarised autocomplete-generated cobblers in search results, and demoted by the walled gardens of social media if I dare to link to it. Considering human creativity dates back 45,000 to 64,000 years with cave paintings, the urge to create and share art, stories, music etc isn’t going to disappear from human nature just because someone can replicate it with a couple of lines of prompts. All the talk around AI tends to focus on the output and whether it can match humans in quality, not questioning why we want to replace something that benefits our mental health, thought processes, and understanding of the world with a tool which mainly rewards the same rich tech oligarchs who already exploited the web.

And lastly, I’ve been inspired to think about how I want to spend the next decades of my life, and how to make them as good as possible in terms of both work and personal time. How can I do more of what I enjoy, even if it means finding alternative routes to reach people who still want human content or connections. What can I do to be more proactive in ensuring my health is as good as possible, and spend my time with friends and family more meaningfully. And how to invest my love of researching and discovering new information and knowledge more productively than clearing out hundreds of emails, of which only a small percentage bring me joy, entertainment or worthwhile knowledge.

Investing in my home workspace…

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One of the biggest challenges in being self-employed can be spending money where it makes sense. So seeing as I’ve been investing in my home workspace recently, I wanted to share some of the purchases which have made a noticeable difference. Whether that’s productivity, or just having an enjoyable space to work in.

Most noticeable are the new Razer Ornata V2 Keyboard and Trust GXT 960 Gaming Mouse, as they both contain more lights than most town centres at Christmas. But I had some sensible reasons for buying each upgrade, besides making my work desk look like a 14-year-old Fortnite addict has taken residence.

Investing in my home workspace...
Investing in my home workspace…

Despite investing in a desktop PC for both work and sim racing, I’d been relying on the same old keyboards and computer mice for years. Whenever one stopped working, I’d look through old storage boxes and just grab whatever had been accumulated over the years. Even after writing articles about the importance of ergonomics for the health of deskbound freelancers, and switching to a trackball for a time due to wrist and RSI issues.

So the main attraction of the Razer Ornata V2 was that it’s a stepping stone to investing in a high end mechanical keyboard. And the ‘mecha-membrane’ technology means it’s a halfway house which was reasonably ergonomic, and some reviews mentioned it was pretty good for touch typing.

After using it for a month, it’s much more comfortable and enjoyable to type with compared to a cheap keyboard. And after installing the bloatware to control the lighting, I’ve found a nice cyan which helps me work in low light reasonably effectively, rather than distracting myself with the various effects available. Although when I do finish for the day, I’ve enjoyed some of the interactive light effects available in some games.

Aside from the feel of the keys, the built-in volume and mute control is handy to avoid me having to reach around monitors to access my desktop speakers, especially if I’ve got a call or meeting at short notice.

It comes with a wrist rest, which is fine, and has held up OK so far. Although I’ll be interested to see how it handles 12 months of heavy-handed typing.

The Trust GXT960 mouse was bought at the same time, and not for the RGB lighting. So far, I haven’t been motivated to actually install the software needed to change from the default rainbow pattern, and I’ve pretty much learned to ignore it.

Instead, it was purchases between it’s lightweight with a honeycomb shell which helps to keep my hands cool and comfortable. And it’s reasonably sized for someone with fairly small hands. My old mice were getting increasingly clunky and inaccurate, even after a thorough cleaning. And so far the optical sensor and low-friction pads have kept it smooth and accurate for work and occasional gaming.

Underneath both is a Titanwolf XX Speed Gaming Mouse Pad. Which is a cheap upgrade I can’t recommend enough. No more struggling to stay on a tiny mouse pad, or risking picking up dust and rubbish from a desktop.

I’ll admit I picked the skull design for the goth/metal aesthetics, but it’s also one of the more subtle choices. And honestly, it’s made a huge difference to be able to use my whole desk space as a mouse pad. I’m not trapped into the same repetitive movements when I’m working, which definitely helps with wrist aches and strains.

The final indulgence was an OXO Good Grips laptop cleaner (not pictured). You can find something similar for less, but it’s handy and comfortable to use. It’s easy to put off the hassle of a thorough clean with microfibre cloths, compressed air and a service of the desktop PC case, so it’s perfect for a quick wipe down every so often. Mine came bundled with a single brush at the time, which is good for phones or other smaller electronic gadgets, and has inspired me to take a bit more pride in my home office.

Also pictured alongside a selection of back-up batteries for vaping are a LEGO dinosaur from my girlfriend, who also bought me the Pomodoro timer. And she’s also the absolute genius who invested in some Aonbys USB fans at the first news of a heatwave in the UK. Mine’s been permanently plugged in and whirring away quietly for a while and kept me from going insane during the hottest weather.

Another couple of cheap investments were a basic monitor stand and desk footrest. Again, both have made a big difference in how comfortable it can be to spend a lot of time at my computer, and I’ve noticed a reduction in neck and back aches as a result. If you’re working from home, it’s definitely worth considering both to improve your ergonomics rather than living with joint pain…

Nothing listed above is particularly prestigious or expensive. The keyboard was the biggest investment, but it’s dirt cheap compared to high-end mechanical examples. But it’s reminded me how important it is to occasionally treat myself to practical and fun upgrades to make work, and play, more enjoyable.